Kiddo singing Jingle Bells: Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh! Bells on cocktail ring, making spirits bright!

The dad is snuggling with the kiddo. She falls asleep. Ten minutes later she rolls over and asks:

Kiddo: Daddy, is Cleopatra real?

She immediately rolls back over and falls asleep.

The kiddo is watching Rainbow Brite.  It looks like the monsters are about to get her.

The kiddo: Well, bon voyage, Rainbow Brite.

*In the car*
Kiddo: Can I have some Oreos?
The mom: Just a couple.
*Hands her one*

*About fifteen minutes later*
Kiddo: Mommy, is a couple two?
The mom: Yes sweetie, why?

I look back and she has her hand out.

*Kiddo singing Christmas carols in the back seat*
Kiddo: And now for one about an unusual snowman. Froooosty the snowmaaaaan! Was a jolly happy soul!...

The Mom: Were you a good girl while I was gone this week?
Kiddo: Yeah
The Mom: Did you get any time outs?
Kiddo: One. I don't wanna talk about it.

*Kiddo is playing "electric eels", gets stung on her legs, and tries to crawl away*

Kiddo: I'm just a leetle snail! A leetle escargot!

The Dad: Did you know that you can do anything you want when you grow up?
Kiddo: Like hang from the ceiling?!

Kiddo: My hands were made for boxing.

*Playing UFO with the kiddo*

The Mom: I better use the bathroom before we fly off. You always have to use the bathroom before a big trip.

Kiddo: I'll just poop out the window.

*The Mom and Kiddo entertaining each other in the car with jokes*
The Mom: What part of a ghost stinks?
Kiddo: What?
The Mom: His boooooty!
Kiddo: ...
The Mom: Get it?? His boooooty.
Kiddo: Why don't we have quiet time.

*while I'm out of town the kiddo runs to the phone to talk to me*
Kiddo: Helloooo. Zees ees Peggy.
*runs away giggling*

(hint: that Capital One commercial)

*The Mom is out of town, talking to Kiddo on the phone*

The Mom: I love you, Honey. I can't wait to see you.
Kiddo: I love you, Mommy. I can't wait to see my present.

*Playing Little House on the Prairie*
Kiddo: We need to feed the chickens and slap the hogs.

*phone rings*
The Mom: It's just somebody selling something.
the Kiddo: We don't want any!!

Oldies, from when she was a wee three-year-old.

*Kiddo climbs to the top of the slide*
Kiddo: How do I get off this thing?!


Kiddo is playing in the bathroom while I take a shower. Suddenly she starts banging on the doors.
Kiddo: Stella!!

(No, I did not let my three-year-old watch A Streetcar Named Desire. Grover did a parody on Sesame Street.)

Kiddo is playing with a toy horse and making it stamp its front hoof. Then she says in a horse voice: Bring it on! Bring it on!

Kiddo saw a portrait of George Washington at a museum. She starts to walk away, stops, and looks suspiciously back at him.

Kiddo: Don't even think about it George Washington.

Kiddo: If you want to tell if someone is a kitty or a witch you squirt them with water.
The Mom: What does the kitty do then?
Kiddo: It says, "reeer!"
The Mom: What does the witch do?
Kiddo: She says, "I'm melting!"

A few oldies but goodies, so I don't forget them when I get old timer's.

The Mom: What do you want to do when you grow up?
The Kiddo: Irritate boys.


The Mom: You have pop tart on your face, go wash it off.
The Kiddo: You got pop tart on your face, you're a big disgrace.

The kiddo: Here's the lion, and the monkey, and the hippo.
The mom: Where's the zebra?
The kiddo: Las Vegas.

The Mom: You're having a playdate with the neighbor boy on Sunday, so we need to pull out some toys he would like.
Kiddo: We can wax my Barbie jeep!

Kiddo: I'm trying to get this gross thought out of my head!
The Mom: What is it?
Kiddo: No, it's too gross.
The Mom: You can tell me.
Kiddo: Raccoon guano.

*Kiddo is pretending to be Lava Girl in the pool, spraying The Mom with "lava" water. She says in a newscaster voice:*

Kiddo: On the news, the mom gets sprayed by Lava Girl.

Kiddo: Blossoms extravaganza!

Don't ask. I have no idea.

*Kiddo points her butt at The Mom*
Kiddo: The silent whiff of doom!
*Kiddo runs away*

*Kiddo runs into door*
Kiddo: ooph! That should be on America's Funniest Videos. That would be a good clip.

The Mom: That's a very pretty ribbon you're wearing.
Kiddo: I wore it last night at my wedding.
The Mom: Who did you marry?
Kiddo: I dunno. Some freakin weirdo.